I hate the sun.
I hate how it wakes me up everyday from the blissful oblivion of sleep. The light pierces through the room and just rudely fills it up – without permission and without reprieve. It’s a signal that tells me it’s another day to do battle. It’s another day to put on masks. It’s another day. Period.
I hate the heat the sun brings. It’s heat is oppressive. I get drenched in sweat faster than most people and it’s hard to breathe under the sun.
When I was a kid, I would get painful sunburns that would last for days. That’s why at the beach I would stay in the shade and read books all day.
Maybe the metaphor here is that I hate myself a lot of the time. Someone once called me a ball of sunshine because I brighten up the room when I go in. I am energy personified. And I don’t like it.
My fear is that I am overwhelming. I don’t have the ability to control myself. I’m afraid that I’m too bright that I blind. I’m afraid I have so much energy that I burn – either myself or others.
What I do love is the rain. So many people have noticed that I don’t like umbrellas. I love walking in the rain. I love how cleansing it feels. I love the sound of thunder. Its booming voice feels like a song for me.
I stare at lightning because it fascinates me. The brief flashes of beauty and strength that for a moment lights up the world without overstaying its welcome.
I love the dark. I love how it gives clarity to the things that truly bring me light. I revel in the dark corners. I feel comfort in the embrace of the night. It is when my day has ended and where I can finally stop being the sun. I look to the distance and see tiny lights and wonder what happens out there. It fascinates me to no end.
I love the ocean at night. I love listening to the surf crash in the distance, drowning out my thoughts. I love the sursurations of the tide as it eddies and whispers in my ear. The peace it brings is immeasurable. It swallows up the sun and hides it for me – a stay of sentence before a new day begins.
These are the things that I enjoy. The things that give me life. I may hate the sun but these are what make it tolerable. Because as much as I hate the sun, as much as I hate myself, those things are what bring balance to me. They keep me in control. And that’s what makes me realize how needed I am, even if I hate being who I am. Those things give me reason to live.