There are certain songs that when you hear them, it hits you like a brick and you just have to walk away to shake off whatever bad memories that you remember because of that song. Wait. No, not necessarily bad memories. Bad implies that there was nothing good about those memories, but the truth is, no matter how painful they were, I still find them incredibly meaningful. So not bad, just a part of me like the scars I bear.
Anyway that song for me, the one that brings back those memories, is Coldplay’s The Scientist.
Of course, it’s already a sad song but this is infinitely sadder because of the mere fact that this is her favorite song. Her favorite song. Her. The she who is the root cause of why I created this blog and have been dishing out my saccharine posts laced with enough bitterness to make even the most unsympathetic reader feel something. It’s always been about her.
Maybe I should start by describing her. She is beautiful. Not drop dead gorgeous although she did screen test as Camille Pratts’ double when she was younger, but she looked like she warranted the term beautiful. She had eyes that sparkled behind tortoise shell framed glasses and she had these perfect teeth that lit up the room when she smiled. She smiled like the sunshine. In fact, I wasn’t the only one who fell for her, a lot of us did.
Okay, so you’re going to tell me this is all infatuation and yeah, it probably is. I however think that there is no distinction between love and infatuation. Both are incredibly powerful emotions that encompasses all other emotions. Infatuation, passion, love are all the same from my point of view. Shakespeare did not write about the staid love between friends and family, he wrote about irrational, head over heels emotions that destroyed nations.
Anyway, we became close because I found out that she lived near my place and I would offer to take her home. When I drove her home, I actually relished the thought of traffic because that meant I would have more time to talk to her. And oh we talked. Sometimes our viber conversations reach till the wee hours of the morning.
Eventually, I became something of a confidant to her. Whenever she had a problem I was the first one she would talk to…other than her boyfriend. Yes, she had a boyfriend. Of course, she did. You can’t expect a girl like that to be single. And because I was close to her, I became friends with him.
So as a practitioner of the Bro Code, I maintained a respectful distance. There are some things that you never ever break and one of them is the trust of another man (the other more important one is the trust of a woman). So much so that when they broke up, I did not make a move. Of course she came to me, and she was crying the whole time but I was there to comfort her. I was not going to be a douche and try anything.
I helped her get over her ex. I tried to make her laugh everyday. I talked to her whenever she felt depressed. I was always the first one to bring her tissues when she was bawling her eyes out.
Then it all stopped. She stopped talking to me. She stopped our weekly Friday hang outs. She stopped hitching a ride with me. She did not tell me why until around two months later. By then I was an emotional wreck and the ugly side of my disease was rearing its ugly head. When she explained to me why, I understood and gave her the space she wanted but it still hurt like hell. I haven’t talked to he since, apart from greeting her last Christmas and New Year. Now here I am mostly recovered from the ordeal and the pain isn’t as real before.
Except when I hear that song. It’s funny how the song is about going back to the start – of doing things all over again. Most of the time, I want to go back to when it all started but I also feel that I should move on already and bury this sad chapter of my life. The thing is, I still can’t do it, not completely anyway. I hope and pray that I’ll forget soon enough, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to listen to that song without feeling anything.
This is my contribution to Kat’s Music Mondays post. If you’d like to share your music, make a post and share it using the guidelines on Kat’s blog.