Okay. Here’s the deal. All of us have felt heartbreak at least once in our short, miserable lives (or long, happy ones, whichever you prefer… I don’t really want to impose). Anyway, if you’re new here, let me introduce myself. I am the foremost expert on heartbreak here on the Interwebs. Don’t believe me? Come on over and I’ll show my online certificate on the Psychology of Heartbreak. I had it framed and it’s sitting right over my foyer. That is if you can find where I live.
Enough about me. Let’s talk about heartbreak. Heartbreak sucks. There’s no other word for it. It sucks big time. If you don’t know why then let me try to illustrate it by harkening back to a distant childhood memory. Imagine you are kid on Christmas eve and you wanted this really cool Charlie the Choo Choo train set with the glow in the dark paint or this fancy new Barbie doll that has kung fu grip action. Everyday leading up to Christmas, you’ve been imagining opening that shiny, wrapped box and inside it, is your precious toy, for you to have and hold forever. You’ve been so excited that you’ve told everybody and I mean everybody that you know. You’ve been dreaming about it constantly and you wake up everyday thinking that when Christmas comes you’ll finally, finally get it. Then Christmas day comes, and while everyone is eating Christmas dinner, you crawl up under the tree and you find the big shiny, red box. You tear open that box and inside the box you find tons of newspaper and this cute little teapot. Normally, any person would love getting a teapot except in this case you’re not a normal person. You’re an adolescent. In a fit of anger you throw that teapot against the wall and smash it into a thousand small pieces. Then you run to your room and you cry yourself to sleep because you know it will never, ever be okay and your life is RUINED. Or at the very least ruined until next Thursday when your mom buys you a chocolate covered sundae cone from Mickey Ds.
Heartbreak is exactly like that. Except you magnify that feeling a thousand fold and it doesn’t last until next Thursday, it lasts until you are no longer the same person you were before. It crushes you. It leaves you a hopeless wreck. And when you finally think that you’ve gotten over your heartbreak, your silly heart gets broken again and you start all over.
So I’ve pretty much scared the bejeezus out of you. You definitely are scared of getting brokenhearted. Fret not! I am here to save the day! You sure as heck are lucky that you found me today. Follow these simple easy-to-read instructions and your heart will be ready to love again in no time at all. Are you ready? Then let’s go.
First, you get a glass of water. Make sure that it’s drinking water, we don’t want you to have a broken tummy along with your broken heart. Next freeze the hell out of the water. Make it as cold as the person who broke your heart. So you now have ice. Put that ice in a shaker, add three parts gin, one part vermouth and you shake that thing like you mean it. I mean really shake it. Shake it like the fate of the world depended on it. Then you pour that thing in a glass, put two olives and you have a perfectly made martini. Serve and enjoy.
You don’t drink? That’s okay. At least now you know a really great life skill. You’ll be great at parties everywhere and you can pretty much pretend to be a bartender wherever you go.
Now here’s the next part. For the love of all that is good, please cry. Cry your heart out. Let it flow. Let the your eyes be source of the Nile and the Ganges at least just for one night. If you don’t, if you keep all of this inside you, you will explode. Trust me I’ve seen it happen. Kidding aside, if you don’t acknowledge that you’ve been hurt, if you pretend that everything is okay, I promise you that you will feel that hurt a thousand times more if you let it fester inside you. So cry. Let it all out.
Next, find someone you trust, someone that knows you all too well and you pour out everything that you are feeling right on that person. Tell that person how much you’re hurting inside and just let him or her listen to you. Right now, what you need are real allies and real friends and you absolutely do not have to face this alone. You have people that have your back in this tough time. They’ll probably give you advice. They’ll probably listen to you all night. They’ll probably try to slap some sense into you. It might hurt. It might even be really painful. That’s what you need though – a reminder that the world hasn’t ended, that you have a life outside of the world you built.
This comes with a warning. Please don’t fall in love with that person. In fact, don’t fall in love with anyone just yet. Let your heart heal before you do that. A broken heart’s judgment is cloudy and is liable to make the worst decisions. If you fall in love in this state, you’re also liable to break that other person’s heart. Please don’t. Rebounds are only great in basketball and rebounds in love are a douche move.
Next, live your life. Time is the world’s greatest healer and you wouldn’t want to be bored while your heart is healing. Show whoever broke your heart that your world does not revolve around whoever that is. Go to a barbershop or a salon and get a new look. Find a new hobby. Play football. Get into competitive crocheting. Wrestle crocodiles. Pretend you’re Cher in a karaoke sing off. Live your life. This is not the end. You have so much more to live for.
And finally, finally, when all of this over, when your heart has healed, do not be afraid to love again. Do not be afraid that your heart might be broken anew. Love is the world’s most powerful and most beautiful emotion. Yes, it may shatter you in a thousand small pieces but I promise you, it’s worth it every time. Don’t close off your heart because that is its number one purpose, to love and be loved in return. So what if it gets broken? It gets back stronger every time ready to love again.
Plus you now know how to make a mean martini and you cannot really ever go wrong with the knowledge of making one of the best drinks in the world.