Fraud

A fraud. This is what I feel like right now. I feel like I have been fooling people for the longest time and now I am being found out for what I really am. The false face is falling. The mask is chipping apart and it is revealing who I really am.

My day starts out simple enough. I wake up. I lay in bed and my mind is panicking. After a few minutes of trying to calm down, I rush to the sink and I dry retch. The urge to vomit is strong but nothing ever comes out.

Then I shower. I shave the stubble that accumulated the previous day and I wipe away all traces of the haunted person I had become. I put on my tie and at the same time, I put on the fake smile I wear the whole day.

I go to work and I try to get through the day without another panic attack. I am supposed to be a leader but my people know better than me. A case of the blind leading those who can see.

The mask I wear is beginning to show the damage from the abuse I heap upon it. The illusion is fading. The lies I tell are catching up to me. I am afraid of the day when that facade I built finally crumbles and the real me is revealed. When that day comes, the world will find me, weak, a frail facsimile of the person everyone thinks I am. Then I will shrink back and hide from the world’s light and I will find a home in the darkness.

anghulinghugutero

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16 Comments

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  1. I can almost assure you that you are not alone in feeling that way . I am sure that there are days like this for all of us .

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Do not fear appearing vulnerable in front of your peers. Why not instead use this to your advantage? Be honest with them. Instigate positive change in your workplace off the back of it. You are definitely not alone in what you are feeling. And no doubt there are many with whom you work who are feeling similarly. Perhaps by opening up and being honest with them you’ll actually inspire greater and more personal and productive connections with your team. It’s all a matter of perspective. What we think are hindrances are actually unique gifts disguised. The greatest leaders are those who harness their failings and insecurities and through honesty and openness channel this into their future success.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I, too, am a fraud. It’s a defense mechanism I suppose, wearing masks. Have you tried showing people a peak of who you are? You may be pleasantly surprised.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Big hugz! I know exactly what you mean when you said you felt like a fraud leading a team. Some days are worse than others but I do hope you pulled through!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The frauds are the ones that don’t admit fragility or vulnerabilities.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hello, I know that you are one busy human, but I couldn’t resist inviting you to the 3 quotes challenge on my recent post ”The Nanny goat and her young ones.” I always enjoy reading from you. Regards, Jacqueline

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sorry, the post is ” A single palm frond cannot weave a basket.”

    Liked by 1 person

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